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February 20, 2007
Rise from ruin, This was our mentality. Rise was the fantasy, Ruin was our reality.
My mother has been in a bad place emotionally, physically, and financially for the last two months. It's safe to say that 2007 has started out on rocky ground, and only time will tell if it's starting to stabilize now... or if it will later. Her contact with me is infrequent and sporadic. Sometimes she calls early in the morning or late at night, blissfully unaware that she catches me when I'm often very busy.
I know very little details --only what she carefully words to me in broken English and vague Korean. I don't know if things are getting better or worse, but her situation is very different. She's very different.
I grew up believing my mother was strong and silent. She was the disciplinarian and the adult of my parents. Whenever I threw a tantrum or cried and screamed, she'd usually really give me something to cry about. She'd do this one of two ways: tell me how sad I'd be when she died, or make me stand in the corner until my dad came home (a reason I never caused trouble early in the day).
Sometimes her actions seem sadistic, but I really love my mother. Parents can be nice, and parents can be cruel, but sometimes being nice doesn't mean you're being the best parent.
Tonight she told me she didn't want to live anymore. She said those exact words. There was no way to misunderstand or misinterpret them. I don't have a lot of experience with suicidal thoughts or people... but I instantaneously found it difficult to swallow. My mouth went dry.
"I don't want to live anymore," my mother tells me.
"Mama, you'll be fine. You will feel better soon. Things are getting better," I assure her.
"You are all grown up and don't need anyone to take care of you. I feel like I don't have a reason to live."
I am shocked because she sounds so sad. I can only finish with, "I love you. I want you to feel better soon. I love you."
Then, I can hear her smile slightly. "I love you, Baby. I'll let you sleep." As usual, she hangs up before I can reply.
Every night I go to sleep frustrated and worn out and just feeling really helpless. I have a feeling this is going to be a very bad year.
Posted by Stacy on February 20, 2007 10:07 PM | Filed In: Family
Comments
I hope she gets better.
Posted by Alan at February 20, 2007 11:08 PM
be strong for her, until she strong too...
Posted by Ray at February 21, 2007 12:21 AM
Tell her you do in fact need her. That her support for you is incredibly important. You might not need her for you every day, but when you do need her you'll have no one else to turn to. In fact, as you get older, you'll need her help more than ever.
Posted by Ken at February 22, 2007 08:29 AM
Wow. You are going thru something difficult for anyone, no matter what age that person is. Good luck.
Geoff
Posted by Geoff at February 22, 2007 11:59 AM
