« A Close Call at Goodwill | Main | Tv Shows Should Not Be Turned Into Video Games »
November 27, 2005
Thanksgiving 2005 with the mommy who really likes The Mummy
My thanksgiving was shaped by and can be summed up with just a few key ingredients: a Greyhound bus, a Yorkshire terrier, and a broken toilet.
First, the Greyhound bus... I guess it was just a typical packed "have to get to the family for Thanksgiving" crowd. I have one mildly hilarious video clip from my cell phone (will be uploaded sometime tomorrow). The bus driver decided to play orchestrated musical hits from movies like Breakfast at Tiffany’s and The Magnificent Seven. One rude gentleman asked for the bus driver to change the music, and he did so by putting in another tape with similar music.
On Thanksgiving morning, my mother wanted to go to her friend’s house at one o’clock for dinner. She promises me that we’ll go there, eat dinner, and then leave shortly afterwards. After two decades of these 'promises,' I know she’s lying.
Me: "Why do we have to go over at one o’clock? That’s so early!"
Mom: "No, we go, eat there, and come back."
Me: "Uh huh. We’re not going to eat as soon as we get there. We probably won’t even eat until six or seven. Then, you’ll guilt me into staying for several hours after that."
Mom: "We leave right after we eat."
Me: "But WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO SO EARLY?"
Mom: "We get there at one. We don’t stay that long."
Me: "I BET YOU WE ARE NOT GOING TO EAT AS SOON AS WE GET THERE. RIGHT? ... HELLO! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? ...WHERE ARE YOU? DAMNIT!"
Once again, I am stuck in the car with my mother on the drive to another socially awkward family and friends’ event. My mother and I do the round of introductions, and then she dumps me by someone I’ve never previously met. Of course everyone in the room has the combined English skills of the average American 2-year-old who watches Sesame Street.
I answer the typical questions in Korean. "How old are you?" "Where are you studying?" "What are you studying?" "What is Political Science?" "No, I still don’t understand what that is... Do you at least study hard?" "Do you have a boyfriend?" "Will he have a good job when he graduates?" That’s about as far as I can go with strangers and small talk in Korean, so someone usually grabs my arm and shoves me in a room where I get to watch television by myself for the next six hours. Instead of a couch there are heating pads on the floor, and though the television is a big widescreen, it is always a bit too loud and I can never find the remote to change the volume.
I’ve noticed an odd correlation with my mother’s friends. The nicer the house they live in, the smaller and more annoying their dog is. This Thanksgiving it was a little Yorkshire terrier named Mickey. Cute at first, his routine of BARKING AT EVERYTHING quickly became tiring. He was a flurry of movement: barking, running, jumping, and sometimes all three at the same time. Another dog from someone else’s family joined the Thanksgiving festivities, and Mickey (though a much smaller dog) proceeded to hump the other dog from behind for three hours straight.
During the actual dinner (which happened SIX HOURS after we arrived, thank-you-very-much-mother-you-never-listen-to-me), my mother decided to ask everyone at the table about the rash on my face. By the way, it is hardly noticeable, is hidden by my glasses, and really just looks like skin irritation –but my mother makes it sound likes boils on my forehead.
Me: "Mom, I’ve had this rash for six months, and it is stress induced."
Mom: "No, I think you have allergies! Doesn’t it look like allergies?"
Me: "Allergies from what? How does it look like allergies?"
Mom: "You need to lose weight."
Me: "What? So, now I’m allergic to my own fat?"
Mom: "You should call Johnny Craig."
Me: "JENNY CRAIG. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT IT IS JENNY CRAIG? AND NO, I DO NOT NEED TO CALL JENNY CRAIG."
My mother can’t seem to stay away from all the topics people are not supposed to talk about at the dinner table. And, yes, my mother and I argue in front of a room full of people. It’s okay; they don’t speak English. I look from my mother to these people, and all I see are polite smiles.
Now, the last part of my story: the broken toilet. A toilet broke at my mother’s home, and I still attest that I did NOT touch this toilet. I don’t know when it broke, or how it broke, but somehow it BROKE.
Me: "Maybe it’s clogged."
Mom: "It’s clogged? How did you break it?"
Me: "I didn’t use this toilet! I just said it might be clogged."
Mom: "Have you been eating too much meat? Maybe your poop is too hard."
Me: "OH MY GOD, NO, I DID NOT USE THIS TOILET."
Mom: "Well, if you didn’t use it, then it must not be broken, because I didn’t break it."
Me: "Excellent logic. I hope that works out for you."
At this point, I think the toilet is slightly clogged. Water is still flushing down, but it’s doing so slowly and with a very eerie sound at the end. My mother continues to keep using this toilet, even though I keep telling her to use the other one. I even ask her to buy me a plunger so I could fix it. She tells me that she didn’t break it, and if I didn’t use it, then the toilet must not be broken –because she didn’t break it.
This morning, the toilet overflowed. I laughed.
This afternoon, she went to the store and bought a plunger. I laughed.
I am an evil daughter.
[Video taken with LG VX9800 Camera Phone.]
Posted by Stacy on November 27, 2005 11:20 AM | Filed In: Family
Comments
Haha. You have such an interesting family. And whilst you mightn't enjoy it, it sure gives us one heck of a laugh to read it :p
Posted by Baron at November 28, 2005 02:38 AM
Hopefully, there was nothing chunky in the toilet bowl. :D
Posted by Kimchihead at November 28, 2005 04:02 AM
You should write a book.
Posted by pangwinking at November 28, 2005 05:21 AM
Oh wow. That had me laughing. Mothers are a strange breed.
Posted by Heather at November 28, 2005 08:44 AM
Moms are like that. And Thanksgiving or any family meal usually starts mid-day and lasts through the night. But I've got a lot of cousins around my age and a sister I can hang out with as well. It's not as bad as you describe, thankfully. :)
I hate clogged toilets.
Posted by suki at November 28, 2005 09:02 AM
Yes, Pang, I am still waiting for that book deal... where is it?
Posted by Stacy at November 28, 2005 09:09 AM
Hahahaha :) That was a kick to read... I know how it feels. Parent's have the hideous gift of embarrassing their child. Ah, how fun.
Posted by Thomas at November 28, 2005 09:00 PM
korean parties sound a whole hell of a lot like filipino parties ~ in the sense that i get asked the same questions about my education and love life. bah. and during holiday 04, when i had a not-so-mild case of adult acne -- they all agreed that is was because i had gained weight and may have been allergic to my own fat.
Posted by Rowena at November 28, 2005 09:00 PM
Your mother sounds exactly like my mother. However my mom is Filipina but has this general idea that it is ok to talk about embarrassing stuff in front of other people and to be terribly blunt about things that actually bother me.
Posted by Marian at December 1, 2005 01:41 PM
